Options for Living - Living with Family

Living with family, whether an aging parent living with their adult children, or an adult child living with their aging parents is a big commitment on all sides. While it can work well, there are many pitfalls and issues to be worked through.

When a parent becomes too ill to live alone, moving in with their adult children can seem the obvious thing to do. It can work well, or it can be disastrous for everyone so it is worth examining the issues before making such a commitment.

If you have a partner, bringing one of your parents into your household will affect the dynamics and can mean split loyalties. Ensure you discuss it with your partner to ensure that it won't destroy your relationship. That will depend on all of the personalities involved and what adjustments you will all need to make. For couples in their fifties and sixties, it can also mean putting their own retirement plans on hold.

If there is an extended family and an inheritance, you all need to agree on whether the family member that takes in the aging parent should receive more of the inheritance or not, whether they should take on all the financial burden, whether other family members can provide them respite or "granny-sitting".

Here are some starting points for discussion...

1. Whose home? Will the parents move in with their adult children or vice versa? With two generations in the house, who is the "leader of the house"?
2. Who already lives in the household? Is there a partner, teenage children or younger, the whole dynamic of the family will be affected.
3. Does it involve someone giving up work, interests or other commitments and how do they feel about it?
4. Is there a time frame? Looking after someone for a few months is very different to the prospect of decades of decline.
5. What costs are involved? What modifications to the house will be required and how will they be paid for?
6. Is there an extended family? What is their attitude?
7. How well do you know each other - really? Have you been in touch over the years or have you barely seen each other for decades? Have you developed different lifestyles and values? How will this affect the relationship when you are living under the same roof?
8. Are there any skeletons? Families can put aside differences when they see each other occasionally but living together can cause all sorts of old resentments and issues to resurface. Will you be able to deal with that?
9. Other family members. How will it affect other members of the household? How will you balance the needs of your partner, young children, teenagers etc with the needs of a parent who needs care.

That doesn't mean that it's the wrong thing to do. It depends on the people involved and the circumstances. Want to talk about it? Check our forum for views on different options and what people have found works for them.